Posts Tagged ‘selfish’

This past two weeks have been some of the most emotional weeks I have had in a while. Breaking up with the ex, making career changes, trying to stay in line with my debt plan and keeping my full time employment. Sometimes it all gets to be to much. But a recent event today has sparked my interest in changing one thing about me, that could possibly change my life forever…..

To preface this post Mikki is a hornball, ever since I first engaged in sexual activity I have been hooked. I have been loose at times even and I am not ashamed to say that. Now days I have guarded my sexuality a lot more than in the past but I still maintain the freak that I believe myself to be. I always try my best to keep it real on my blog and right now I am gonna try to be 100% real.

Today I had a conversation with a very good male friend of mine. We had that hommie lover friend type deal going on, that never really emerged into a full blown relationship. I have loved this man (so i think) with every fiber in my body, not lust just pure love. Later on though Mikki was rejected so to speak with the preface that it just wasn’t the right timing. Years later after a breakup the timing is possibly right. However, knowing how I feel about sex I wanted to make sure I wasn’t walking into another situation where I wasn’t satisfied. So I proposition my friend to sleep with me so I could really see if we connected on this level. Now yall know this is all sorts of wrong but the selfishness in me long to be sexually fulfilled and not disappointed in any way especially not sexually. So we didn’t have an exact date but we knew before we decided to “commit” to each other that this had to come first….

Then I got a phone call from a newly good friend of mine which I happen to be inspired by every time I speak with her. I told her about my plans and she immediately said DON’T DO IT!! im like why not?? I need to know!!!!! while her points on why wasn’t exactly spilled out in a 2 hour long conversation I got the gist before my phone died. I decided to read up on premarital sex and see how its been affecting me and my relationships. I have never been one to just take someones word for something but I always am committed to researching for my OWN understanding…..

So far its not even right to live together first according to the bible. I been reading everything from bible.com, to an interview with Terrance Howard in Elle magazine about why he went celibate in 2007. I thought I was doing everything right by waiting to be in a relationship which lead to my year long celibacy stint, BUT its really deeper than that and Its my personal objective to find out why is abstinence so important. So for the next few days I plan to study, read up on Gods word and figure out how I am to proceed in my further dealings with men.

I know how committed I am to becoming debt free and all its benefits and I really can’t imagine how life changing it would be to save myself for my husband. Struggle yes? worth it 100 times yes……

I will document my findings as I go and hope that others who read gain knowledge and understanding about purity and Gods word.


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