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Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

ggenie
Hello fello bloggers!! Yes I have been gone for a minute but I am back again as always. A lot of things have taken place in the last two or three months but I can say most have been positive changes which going on 27 in two weeks I can appreciate the good things.

Recently I got into a conversation with a friend about my stance to become celibate until marriage. Its not something that I really felt comfortable with speaking on at first but I realized the things that have happened in my life because of this has had a major impact. Since the decision I have come closer to my faith. Its been a challenging change to say the least. Not so much that I miss chexing but more about what it represents.

For a while I had been struggling with surrendering myself to the Lord. I didn’t feel like (at first) that just because I gave up chex that my whole world would turn upside town. I thought I would basically say “God I did this for you, now its your turn to bless me with a good man” Its only until resently I realized what “Dying to self” actually meant. When I made my decision to be celibate I thought I had already died lol. Really I hadn’t given myself to God because I was still “Waiting” to be blessed.

Over the last few weeks I have been learning about giving myself “Totally” to God and at first I was scared. The thought of having to basically stop hoping, wishing, praying that God would just magically send me someone. I kept hearing single people should serve God. What does that mean exactly, because I am single I have to be this way for life? when is ok to have a man?? All these thoughts raced through my head and I NEVER wanted to accept that this could be my life FOREVER. I can’t say I am 100% over the “Idea” of love and marriage. But I have slowly come to realize that God isn’t my genie in a bottle. Even though he puts “Conditions” on us doesn’t mean we can treat him in the same manor simply because we are fickle people and change like the wind. I know as much as I try to keep my promise I can sometimes fall short. God NEVER fails…..

I want to exemplify what it means to “die to self” giving myself totally to God without any worries of my future. I don’t want to worry if I get married. If I don’t get married I still will remain celibate because this is what is required of me. I still pray God blesses me but I no longer dwell or let my life revolve around “marriage”.

Have you ever thought of putting “conditions” on God tit for tat?? Have you ever thought of dying to yourself. Do you think you could do that if God never gave you the desire of your heart?

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This past two weeks have been some of the most emotional weeks I have had in a while. Breaking up with the ex, making career changes, trying to stay in line with my debt plan and keeping my full time employment. Sometimes it all gets to be to much. But a recent event today has sparked my interest in changing one thing about me, that could possibly change my life forever…..

To preface this post Mikki is a hornball, ever since I first engaged in sexual activity I have been hooked. I have been loose at times even and I am not ashamed to say that. Now days I have guarded my sexuality a lot more than in the past but I still maintain the freak that I believe myself to be. I always try my best to keep it real on my blog and right now I am gonna try to be 100% real.

Today I had a conversation with a very good male friend of mine. We had that hommie lover friend type deal going on, that never really emerged into a full blown relationship. I have loved this man (so i think) with every fiber in my body, not lust just pure love. Later on though Mikki was rejected so to speak with the preface that it just wasn’t the right timing. Years later after a breakup the timing is possibly right. However, knowing how I feel about sex I wanted to make sure I wasn’t walking into another situation where I wasn’t satisfied. So I proposition my friend to sleep with me so I could really see if we connected on this level. Now yall know this is all sorts of wrong but the selfishness in me long to be sexually fulfilled and not disappointed in any way especially not sexually. So we didn’t have an exact date but we knew before we decided to “commit” to each other that this had to come first….

Then I got a phone call from a newly good friend of mine which I happen to be inspired by every time I speak with her. I told her about my plans and she immediately said DON’T DO IT!! im like why not?? I need to know!!!!! while her points on why wasn’t exactly spilled out in a 2 hour long conversation I got the gist before my phone died. I decided to read up on premarital sex and see how its been affecting me and my relationships. I have never been one to just take someones word for something but I always am committed to researching for my OWN understanding…..

So far its not even right to live together first according to the bible. I been reading everything from bible.com, to an interview with Terrance Howard in Elle magazine about why he went celibate in 2007. I thought I was doing everything right by waiting to be in a relationship which lead to my year long celibacy stint, BUT its really deeper than that and Its my personal objective to find out why is abstinence so important. So for the next few days I plan to study, read up on Gods word and figure out how I am to proceed in my further dealings with men.

I know how committed I am to becoming debt free and all its benefits and I really can’t imagine how life changing it would be to save myself for my husband. Struggle yes? worth it 100 times yes……

I will document my findings as I go and hope that others who read gain knowledge and understanding about purity and Gods word.

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Its been about a month now since my best friend started dating this guy that she dated back in high school. As I may have mentioned before the man had recently separated from his wife of 12 years and are currently starting legal proceedings for a divorce. As of late she has been extremely gitty and I must say it has been bugging the crap out of me. At first I tried to cover up the fact that I wasn’t jealous because the situation in my opinion is rather odd but non the less I was still jealous and I didn’t want to face that fact.

But why? don’t you have a man? Yup I sho do, and he is just the sweetest and almost perfectess man I have ever dated. But I noticed in talking to her that we don’t have that “Thing” you know when you can’t stop talking about them, you act amazingly strange/silly when they come around and you are always laughing and seemingly having a good time. As of late me and S has just been going through the motions. I had been overly stressed from work, my empty unrented house in detroit, and my crazy roommates from h e double hockey sticks. My relationship has really been the last thing on my mind, even tho s had been with me for the last two weeks my mind was else where.

Since I owned up to my jealously I have felt a sense of calmness because sometimes its ok to feel that way but it isn’t something that should consume me. I don’t actually want to be in my best friends shoes (Ever) but I do want to get back to that happy place where all was good with the world.

I ended up telling s about the said issue and amazingly he “felt” that same thing I was feeling. As perfect as we may be together, it doesn’t always mean we are right for eachother, and it seems as though both of us are willing to except it if it may be the case. So we both committed to eachother to give eachother 100% of ourselves and allow for us to fall in love and if it fails we figure we did at least try. I know there are a lot of pixie dust relationships out there and I certainly don’t want mine to be one of them. My relationship has proven so far that we can communicate, trust, and give to eachother which are really important things that keep a relationship together. But those aren’t the only things that keep it.

So in the end I learned that before I worry about how green someones grass is I need to worry about how I am taking care of my own grass and that is the good truth!!

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On day 4 I slipped off the wagon, by eating a bucket of popcorn with butter but today is day 6 and I am happy to report I am back on the wagon and feeling much better. I must say the morning after felt kinda like having unprotected sex with your SO and no form of birth control, you wake up feelin like shat. I was so sick when I woke up and my stomach didn’t like me to well yesterday. But I drank plenty water and ate lots of veggies n fruits. Today I feel 100% again!

In other news, me and “s” been having a bit of a hard time. The man is out of work, without a car, in the final semester of school before spring break, and without a home. I know I shouldn’t be so heartless but yesterday I went off on him kinda. He pushed me to my limit when he told me he didn’t want me asking when his car was going to be fixed. Granted I know I asked you 2 days ago but what was wrong me thinking there was a slight possibility that SOMETHING may have happened in those to days. In the past 3 months I have been very supportive and understanding, but right now I am all OUT of relationship fuel.

I really can’t imagine what a man feels like not being able to be the provider, but the point is im not a man so I will never really understand it. All I do know is that my needs weren’t being met and I had to make him aware of that. I am not exactly sure what is going to happen in the next few weeks but I do know I will be giving him some much needed space. Hopefully things will fall back into place, and hopefully by then I will be sexier than I was before!!

yup I ain’t trippin, I got it all under control. (I think)

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well guys its official I’m getting married single again!!!

Yea Yea I know I know, what happen right??? After all, its only been what 3 months. It was my A.D.D I promise! sike no let me stop joking, actually its rather odd to me that I find this some what of a laughable matter. I feel kinda bad but not in a teary cry a river kinda bad, more like a “he had potential kinda bad”.

I had to break it off with “S” because as much as I wanted to NOT be in the single girls club, I felt like crap in the “relationship club”. Now everybody might be wondering “oh I thought he was such a great guy” you shout him out on gratitude fridays, and even posted a song for him”. I did, and “S” still is a great guy, just not for me.

This that I have learned about “S” in spite of his ability to, cook, take out the trash, buy me nice gifts and shower me with affection, just didn’t sit too well with me and my soul was being drained every extra minute that I stayed with him (read past yesterday). Let me tell ya….

oh and before anybody goes saying oh stop it I am just being picky n stuff just hear me out…

1. Yall gotta know S!X was at the top of the list. I am so so sorry but this woman ( right chea) will not be taking the leader roll in this department, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Some folks are meant to be teachers, heck I do teach, ABOUT MONEY but thats as far as I am gonna go so call me what you want too.

2. Work ethics he has doesn’t excite me. I lived in a single mothers home, my mom raised 2 kids practically alone and she took on jobs that thankfully didn’t involved s*x and drugs. One valuable lesson I learned from my mother is how to WORK, now I didn’t say I liked it but you better believe this girl will work 3 jobs if she gotta in order to get what she needs and take care of herself. A man that isn’t capable of that cant truly win my affection.

3. Family ties, now I will say my family aint all the best of folks but the 3 people that I hold dear to my heart and would do anything for, have very strong value systems, which I 80% of the time try to hold myself to the same standards, I slip up from time to time but over all I am still a good person. There was somethings I found out about 2 people that are close to him, that just didn’t sit well in my heart. Sure its not his fault he was related to them, but I wasn’t going to feel right being part of a family with value systems such as theirs.

“S” truly was the total opposite of these 2 people but I just kept feeling the need to tell him to intersect and fix the situation, or worse I’d fix it. But its wasn’t my place nor his.

4. I got extremely lazy, (as If I wasn’t before) lol. I have dated one man in life that didn’t make me wanna go that extra mile, take that extra class, lose that extra weight. I know men shouldn’t influence the things we do but sadly they do, even if its in a negative way. “S” didn’t give me that “you make me wanna be better” type of feeling and as a result I been slacking on EVERYTHING and that mixed with the A.D.D I already have is NOT a good look.

So there you have it, yea everything is still a bit fuzzy in my brain (i just did this yesterday) but I know It was the right thing to do. I know I had a lot of people cheering on my behalf but I have to stay true to the one person I love the most, ME. “S” is a good man, I hope no one mistakes him for anything other than that, But I would rather be a single lady than to live in a lie…

Whats next you ask?? A break, imma just chill and get back to me.

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So I have been on the TMMO for 6 months now and I just found out a few days ago I will be getting extra hours on my second job. Yay right?? wrong. I find that as I get more intense about paying off debt, the people around me start to disrespect my athoratiii!! Meaning as I am unable to spend more time with the people I care about, they get mad. One thing people should know about me is that once I get focused on something its hard for me to quit until its over with. Fortunatley Finances is pretty much forever at the top of my list of things to keep in check. So as I make decisions, the money question is always first. I don’t use credit cards anymore so I can’t say oh let me go charge this or that. I have to plan for things way in advance and make sure I actually have the funds to do fun stuff. Now as I get outta debt I have told people over and over im not trying to have a bunch of fun (at least not at my expense). Taking time away from my job means taking away my paycheck and right now I just can’t walk away from money. I am not saying I am going to be a sticker for life not at all, but for the next year you can pretty much count on me to always be working. I think one year worth of sacrifice is very well worth taking a year of MY life to be uh whats the word??? oh yea an ADULT!! I have finally taken responsibility for the mess I made and only I can clean it up. All I ask of people around me is to respect the fact that im working hard. People get mad but then also don’t want you asking them for money? Again I can’t stress enough how much I love my family and friends but now is not the time to get your undergarments bunched up about me not being there.

I am done

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See I coulda swore I was off the subject of men not calling enough but it just won’t go away damn!! I was sittin in my room on my laptop yesterday and over heard…………actually I was listening/ease dropping in on a conversation one of my roommates was having on the phone. This is how it went.

Guy on the phone: ________________

Roommate: I just don’t understand why he acting a fool like this I should be happy right now I am about to graduate!

Guy on the phone: Yea I feel you __________________

Roommate: I mean I been gone for 5 weeks now and I have talked to him less times than I can count on my fingers, I am busy in vet school but I always always make time to call him!! there is no way he to busy to call me.

Guy on the phone: Maybe he jealous of you

Roommate: I mean yea I thought about that. I have went out my way to deal with this and I am about to give him an ultimatum if something don’t give. Why are men such pussies when it comes to relationships. I mean I know a girl broke your heart but that was 3 damn years ago!! suck that shit up!! Thats no reason why you can’t make up your mind about not committing to me.

Guy on the phone: Yep you right

Roommate: There are soooooooo many other guys I could be dating believe that!! so it aint even about me finding another man. Can you believe I tried to check him on his shit and he got on the defense about it?? I mean if you care about somebody why wouldn’t you want to hear from them and talk to them more?? I could be salty and cheat on him but I’m not even like that.

Guy on the phone: You right I mean but You gotta understand he been through some thangs.

Roommate: We both have but you don’t see me not dating because of it. Anyways thanks for listening I will hit you up later.

Now I was going to say something but something tells me she already know plus she mighta went off on me for being in her convo lol. But anyways This roommate of mine from what I learned in two weeks since I been here, just turned 27, very pretty, smart, and about to graduate from a Historically Black college’s Vet program next month. Somebody tell me why she stressing ova a dude that don’t seem to care for her???? I have been down this path many times before but I will be damn if I am going through this issue at 27 being fresh outta college. He personally sounds like a bum but I could be wrong. Point is why do us as woman not recognize the signs that point to a man not being into us?? I mean are we really that desperate or hard up? You can only use that “We been together so long” excuse for SO LONG! there comes a point where you gotta say enough is a damn nuff! I have been there and done that and I got the T-shirt for it and my days of cryin over some guy not calling me enough are over. Plus once you experience a man that actually does right and calls you random times of the day to say hi so much so that you expect him to call, you wont want to go back to the “I aint have time” speech ever again

So what would you do had you invested 3 years with a man who is outta touch, jaded or trippin?

stick it out, give him an ultimatum, or say F$%@ it ?

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