Recently I was reading Date or Soul Mate? By Neil Clark Warren PhD. (founder of eharmony.com). At first I was a bit skeptical about what I might discover in reading about what he had to say on the subject of dating, and finding the one you most truly fit with. But after the first few pages I was hooked. So many things ring true about how we approach the dating world and how we find our match. Though most things he speaks about are on the subject of knowing yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Most people don’t take time to discover who they really are, more so sometimes life just forces things on us to where you just have to put your emotional self on the back burner thus allowing us to lack true value and oneness with ourselves and ultimately destroying our relationships.
One of the most important things I discovered in reading was that you must create a must have and can’t stand list. When I read this it brought me back to SBM’S FCF’S post and the two idea’s are completely identical. The idea behind Neil’s list was that we should take this list extremely serious, as in take list with you on dates so you don’t forget. I know it sounds far fetched but the least you can do if you don’t want to carry the list in your back pocket for fear it might fall out and your date sees it and slaps the shit outta you, is simply remember it. This is basically your deal breaker list extended. We all seem to know what we don’t want in a mate, but what qualities will your mate posses that you will honestly love forever. Further more how well are you willing to negotiate your list? Will you let the fact that your mate has children and you don’t annoy you because your clock is ticking(ladies) Or will you be cool if they seem to be amazingly selfish or exhibit golddiggerish symptoms(men)
Statistics show that almost 60% of marriages end up in divorce in the first year. Those numbers are even more staggering in the African American community. We barely make it down the altar let alone remember to stay married. The reasons marriage fail is because people don’t have a list!!! Yea you might think a list is not going to guarantee a happy marriage, what it will do though is guarantee you don’t end up killing each other before you get to speak with the honorable Judge Mabeline Ephram
I am not going to go into detail about what the list should contain. What I will do though, is share my list and allow you to draw your own conclusion of the importance of the list. The list is to be complied of 10 must haves and 10 can’t stands. Neil uses these numbers so that our list doesn’t over flow in either instance.
Must haves
1.Attractive well groomed
2.emotionally generous
3.affectionate
4.fiscally responsible
5.compassionate
6.loyal
7.no kids
8.sexually knowledgeable
9.tolerant
10.intellectual
Can’t Stands
1.Men with braids
2.liars
3.emotionally dependent
4.smokers
5.workaholics
6.arrogant
7.cheap
8.lazy
9.political correctness
10.cheaters
This is my list so you make your own. This list is not to be compromised, and the idea is that if your out on a date with someone you should be able to figure out if they match your list, if they don’t then keep it moving. We are not to invest time and emotions with someone we don’t see having a long term commitment with (I know thats hard) this especially rings true for us ladies because we have a biological clock ticking so why waste valuable time? Some things on the list are obvious and some not so obvious but still it shouldn’t take you long to know you wont be a good fit. Again do not compromise your list!!!!! and stick to the 1 and 2 date rule.
The end.
@ can’t stands I love the first one you wrote it is always on my can’t stand list (including the rest). I don’t like men with braided hair, locks, long permed hair, I mean I am always like if there are two people between me and and the guy I am dating who are going to have long hair, it has to be me. He has to cut his hair, short, clean and smart. Oh and earrings they dont put me off as much as the hair thing, I would prefer he didnt have them. Oh man I am old fashioned.
lol @ Hadassah I am with you, I just can’t do the braids thing no matter how much I try and I have tried. Something about it just screams imature, when you reach a certain age its just not a good look. I know my 1st born boy will not be rockin braids at age 3, 6, 10,19 or 30 if i can help it lol.
Honestly, I beleive what one reflects is what you’ll attract. And for any marriage to work may it be plain/ everyday people or high profile, there has to be a great deal of things in common between the partners or else its doom to fail. And your must have was dead on except for number 7.
As for the can’t stands in your list, I’ll say it’s 50% applicable. I disagree with the comment about brothas with braids. Because I’ve worn braids myself on occasion and there’s nothing wrong with it. I agree with the following: liars,arrogant, cheap, lazy, and cheaters.
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Excellent post!
@Mocadivine: I don’t really think you can validate/negate someone else’s list becuase it is very personal. Kids are also a dealbreaker for me. I keep on hearing the “Secret” stuff on dating sites. Good people with great thoughts still meet assholes – period.
@ Mocadivine
I agree with you on your first statement 100%. I am just learing that two people need to have a lot in common before a relationship can work, thats a hard pill to swallow for some people me being one of them.
As for #7 on my can’t stand list is a truely personal choice, which is what the book suggest you should rely on. I would be lying to myself if i said I can deal with a man with kids when really I just can’t and it would annoy me to no ends so I just wont do it.
The braids well again thats a personal choice, which is why people are to compile there “own” list. The idea is to create a list of what you just can’t tolerate and braids is just one thing I can honestly do without. but thats just me.
Thank you anti my sentiments exactly
I think this is a solid concept and I’m tempted to go read the book, but I think 10 is too many (as you already know). It allows you to include things like “no braids”, which is easily changed and often only temporary. If he has everyone of the needs, are you gonna let him go because someone talked him into trying cornrows for a month.
@ SBM its a very interesting book, I haven’t finished it but I will today. 10 is what the experts suggest so thats what I went off of if its unsreasonable then its by your own standards. The braids thing is “MY” preference, if you have not grown out of them corn rows by age 25 then me and you have problems, sure you might cut them off but who is to say you wont get the urge to grow them back!!!
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