I have recently visited a couple of my fellow blogger buddies sites to get a bit of incite without having to blog about it on my own since my blogs are suppose to be tailored to finances for a while. This time though I had to do my own simply because It had to do with some of my own issues currently and this entire site is dedicated to me anyways.
Comebackgirl and SBM have been “going at it” for a minute about rules of engagement and this is my 2.5 cents on the issues at hand..
I got into this debate about calling (honestly its continually never ending) because I had to personally deal with a guy who wasn’t calling as much as I thought he should. I believe in chivalry 100% but now days I am starting to realize some men just don’t get it. I now realize that men aren’t mind readers and well they certainly don’t have a chivalry button that automatically comes on. They need to be told what to do mainly because they haven’t been taught and are simply lazy.
So the question then comes how much time and effort am I willing to put into making them the man I want them to be. Now I certainly don’t condone a clueless man some things should just be automatic like opening doors (including cars), and doing whatever means being a gentleman typically you don’t need money to do this. But when it comes to molding that romantic man who calls you at work to say hello, runs your bath water, and takes out the trash I believe most (not all) need to be told. I heard one woman say “if I gotta tell them that takes the fun out of it” is it better to let him guess and be wrong about your needs and run the risk of him not ever doing the things you want because you didn’t communicate it to him? I believe that once you tell a man your feelings wants and needs and he goes out of his way to be that man for you that is what makes it romantic because he actually cares enough to change. So what I told him to call or send me flowers point is I got them!!! Now if I say baby send me flowers and he never did then we need to talk.
Overall I don’t plan to spend a year or two or three trying to mold a man. If I have an issue, I will confront you with it, allow you time correct it and if you don’t give you the boot. I don’t think you can make a man be perfect because there will always be issues that arise in a relationship that should be addressed. So from now on I am going to always express my feelings and see where it leads me, hopefully in the right direction of compromise, win win, qid pro qwo whateva all that good stuff!!!!
Oh yes and to add, each woman has different limits to what they can deal with (thank you comeback for bringing up that point) personally I am not going to fall apart (anymore) over phone calls. Its just not that serious but in comebacks case “O” is in another state so yea I think I would need more calls too. I have a couple friends I don’t take advice from simply because we are in the same boat with a leak, on of my girlfriends actually thinks marriage is a waste of time now seriously when did you come up with this??? Ok I am done.
Comebackgirl and SBM have been “going at it” for a minute about rules of engagement and I honestly think they like each other and in some parallel universe (outer space) they end up dating each other lol.
banish THIS from your existance. SBM is much to complicated for me.
your no fun!!!
It’s not that men don’t get it, but that there’s no need to learn it. When there’s an easy route (sex without dating) why go through the hard route? The path of least resistance.
Why is it always on men to change? Stank-0 is pretty sure that people (men and women) are fallible creatures. Here’s a suggestion. Instead of tryin to mold him into what YOU want, mention it ONCE and let it go. Either he voluntarily changes or he won’t. Tryin to force change will only create blowback.
Sometimes the most difficult thing is to explain your feelings without offending each other. But of course it’s better to say in some gentle way what you want your man to do than to keep silence and dream he will figure it out himself one day..
@ stank-0 your right I completely understand you thats an awful way for men to be but I can’t argue with it.
(what i said in the post) I will confront you with it, allow you time correct it and if you don’t give you the boot. TIME=ONCE not 3 years
@ valiko your right and I made sure I was nice about it and I am with you silence will not get you where you need to be.
You actually took that out of the post because of Comeback … wow. Do I get that power too.
Comeback broke my heart though. I wanted to build a true forevership, but we just couldn’t agree on the car doors. Its a shame … the search continues.
I do think the adult thing to do it bring it up to your man … but I hate this “mold” idea. You shouldn’t be molding anyone. If he cares about you, he will do things nice for you, just like I always advocate. Just get out of the mentality that men slum and you have to “mold” us.
@ SBM yes I took it out Im trying to keep the peace!!! Yea I am with you on the “molding idea” If i gotta do all that it just aint worth it to me.
Great post! I am learning these very things myself, since my mate of nearly a year and I live in two different cities 200 miles away from each other. I realize that there are a number of men who just need to be told what it is you want. Yeah, that whole “read your mind romantic” guy is a nice idea. But what I have found is a lot of men who have been single for a long time or did not have a particularly successful relationship in the past aren’t necessarily aware of things that enhance a relationship. I think if a man has a solid foundation then “working with a brother” is good. Cause he certainly will have to work with you to some point!
Mikki I think the basic requirements must be met before you (shhhhh mold a man). Of course men don’t like the phrase-it sounds manipulative. but its a necessity. On some level men can mold women as well. All it means is that you have adpated to their likes, wants and needs. Men sadly require more of it. The trick is to not let them know you are doing it.
@ JONZEE
“I think if a man has a solid foundation then “working with a brother” is good Cause he certainly will have to work with you at some point”
I loved that comment. I think there is a time where you have to give a guy a chance, my best friend and I still can’t come to an agreement about what is acceptable and what’s not but like I said it is to eaches own because ultimately “YOU” are the one who has to put up with the guy.
@ COMEBACK
I have come to the conclusion that I just don’t have the patience for “molding” right now and I am totally coo wit dat. Here it is Monday and the last day I spoke with “W” was Thursday the day I was with him. I haven’t done the calling (tho its been hard) and I don’t plan on it and if I don’t hear from him I am 100% prepared to let him go. I told him what I needed and so far he hasn’t be able to comply so moving on to the next!!!! Where the hell is my black book!! lol
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Mik – I am a little late getting by your spot but great post!
Thank you Tiff!!